When I Grow Up....

Lately I've been browsing through old friends' facebooks. Checking out their graduation pictures, reading updates about their new jobs. I'm incredibly happy for all of them, I really am. But part of me gets sad sometimes, looking at these types of things. I would be a college graduate right now. I wonder what kind of job I'd be starting. Where I'd be living. What my major would have ended up being.

I was the stereotypical "good girl" who got good grades and did the brainy activities in school. National Honor Society, Editor of the Literary Magazine, that kind of stuff. I was determined to be a CPA and couldn't wait to start college. I also couldn't wait to meet my next boyfriend and lose that next 10lbs.

Somewhere along the way, I met a new friend. Her name was O. Pi. Ates. Better known as oxycontin, morphine, heroin.

What? C'mon, me? On drugs?

Like it's that hard to believe.

I am still shocked at how fast and hard I fell. Me, the good girl, nicely sheltered in good little Agawam. Suddenly in the impoverished ghetto of Hartford, a needle in my arm, soon to be passed out in my driver's seat. A few moments later I'd snap out of it and just enjoy the high. Nothing could ever describe that feeling. It must have been good to make me mingle with gun carrying drug dealers, to give a quick kiss to a quadriplegic for a $20 bag of cocaine.

If there really is a god out there, it was by his grace that I made it out of that life physically unharmed. Somehow the needles I shared didn't lead to disease, the cut powder in my veins didn't kill me, the crimes I committed didn't put me in jail.

Now I could get my life back together. But the pieces didn't seem to fit any longer. I was no longer the friendly accounting student at WNEC. I didn't have my old friends to lean on. I didn't have a job I could drive to on Monday morning. No, I had to start from scratch. Getting a new job was easy with no record haunting me. New friends followed.

I decided to hold off on school for a bit, while my family and I played catch up on the thousands of dollars in loans from my first attempts at an education. I started working out, which started the puzzle piece of fitness. I was determinded to compete in a Figure Competition. I worked out like crazy, ate the plain chicken breasts and broccoli. And it sure paid off. I looked great and felt even better. Plus, being able to deep squat 150lbs at only 5'1" and 130lbs wasn't too shabby. I could become a personal trainer and do a complete 180 with my life.

Except those pieces didn't fit for long either. Somewhere along the way I met Tom and my life started to feel whole again. As my puzzle finally began piecing together, we worked on our life with eachother. We bought a house, got a dog. I made plans to start Nursing School in a few years while I bounced around a couple of jobs.

Then came the day I got the positive on the pregnancy test. Man, I couldn't have been happier. I remember looking back at my life, never wanting kids or marriage. Saying how if I ever got pregnant while young I'd "get rid of it". Feeling my precious child move inside of me, I knew that person was long gone. While still very Pro-Choice I knew the person I was now could never, ever "get rid of" a baby. This was our child. The look on Tom's face was priceless. We were so happy.

I sit here now, a SAHM to my wonderful 9 month old and our spunky (and spoiled) 2 year old puppy. Tom is at working Landscaping, and will later come home and change into his police uniform before he goes out and patrols the streets. His dream job. My dream life.

Sometimes I get sad when I think about the life I may have had. I could be a college graduate in my very first apartment. I could be getting ready to start my first real job. On the weekends I could be sitting in a coffee shop with old friends, while over the summers I could be vacationing across the country with new friends. But would this have made me happy?

Sure, we could have more money. I could go back to school now. I could be 50 pounds thinner. It's all possible. Except I know none of it matters now. I may not be proud of all the pieces in my puzzle, and some of the pieces may fit a bit strange. But when I wake up in the morning and Tommy flashes me his big gummy smile I know I'm right where I'm meant to be. Highschool, jobs, the past, none of it matters. I have pushed through the many obstacles I've put in front of me. Now I can only look ahead and be proud of the person I've become. The mother and future wife I've become.

I may not be able to post any graduation pictures on my facebook. But my son has just learned to crawl and you better believe my facebook will have lots of pictures of his great accomplishment. To me that's better than a cap and gown anyday :-)